Edmonds
Last September I started a Yoga class for girls living in poverty - provided transportation and free Yoga classes. We began with three girls. In March I converted the Yoga class to a Girl Scout troop in order to have access to the many resources Girl Scouts offers.
As of today, our troop has 15 members. The girls are 9-14 years old, African-American, Sudanese, Hmong and Mixed-Race and one White. All but three are living in very challenging situations and most have moved multiple times in the last few years.
I have learned again the lesson of not making assumptions: girls who I never would have imagined would want to be a “Girl Scout” - 14 year old girls on IEPs for behavior disorders, with probation officers, enrolled in alternative schools - confide that “I always wished I could be a Girl Scout” and ask if they get a vest with badges, too. They call me and ask if a friend or cousin can join until there are more girls than I can pick up each week
Our conversations are heart-breaking as they disclose accounts of personal abuse experienced at age 5 , racism in the Rochester Public Schools, and the pain of living in poverty. Our conversations are uplifting and hopeful, too, when they talk about their dreams of the future and we plan together how to make those dreams a reality.
My heart soars when a 13 year old, whose first words to me in July were “Just don’t ever touch me” , walks up to me with her palms open and upheld and says” You can touch me now, I’ve changed my mind”.
Last week we were all in the car and four of the girls started talking about a fight some of them had been involved in. F had been “put on punishment” by her father.
T was incredulous - “What were you on punishment for? You didn’t even hit anyone”
F said her father was mad she was even there and watching and then that she didn’t try to stop the fight. F was uncomfortable talking about it but T kept pushing “My mom said she’d drive me back there to finish that fight”. Two of F’s cousins - 11 and 14 agreed this is what should have happened.
As the voices began to escalate, and I was wondering where to begin, I pulled the van over and turned around to talk to the girls. I thought about what I was feeling, what I wanted to say - and also how different my world is from theirs - I wasn’t sure where to begin, so I remembered the “rules” from Courageous Conversations - keep it personal and real .
I told the girls it bothered me that they were fighting and hurting people. They told me so and so was talking about them, it wasn’t any of their business,they had to teach them a lesson. We talked about that - what else could they have done after someone threw the first punch - they couldn’t think of anything. I said “How about walk away?”
Very loud, fast talk as one shouted louder than the other that that would never work - you don’t walk away or you’ll end up with a brick in the back of your head and in the hospital like a 12 year old friend in St Paul. I wondered if they had ever thought that perhaps they were hanging out with people who were too violent - not all kids fight.
“Oh yeah, Karen - who do you know who doesn’t fight?” I said Kira and Kalia had never been hit by a friend or watched a fight.
This took some processing and then a return to the idea of walking away which seemed to be dismissed entirely as impractical.
As we began driving F said, “Karen I might not be able to go tomorrow - I have an appt with someone”
I asked who and she said “My PO”
Loud discussion followed about who still had a PO who was off .
I said “Why do you have a PO?” “For fighting and skipping school”
Thursday, we were going someplace and F and E got in the car - from the back seat F called up - “Karen guess what? I tried that thing you told me about”
I looked back and she had the smile only she can smile, eyebrows raised and head cocked to the side (I love this girl). “What thing?” I asked.
“You know - that walkin away thing you were talking about? You know J? She was there in the park last night. She wanted to fight me, she did - everyone wanted me to fight J. She hit me, punched me right in the chest. I didn’t want to fight her. I thought about that thing you said - walk away. I told her I was going to do that - I did - I walked away. Turned around and left her there. And you know what Karen - there was a cop over there. I didn’t know he was there watching. And you know what - she got a ticket Karen. she did and I didn’t and if I would of hit her I would of been in so much trouble when my PO found out! And you know what, Karen? I told my PO what happened and he told me he was proud of me! It worked Karen - it did”.
Wow - and little Kira says to me later that night “Mom, I think there has been a lot of progress with F”
Saturday morning, 8 am, pull up at F’s house and she is waiting - goes inside to get her sister, E, and cousin - they have a discussion, do they bring their backpacks or not? Will they be back…”
“What’s in the back packs?” I ask (I have noticed they carry these where ever they go)
“Our clothes and toothbrush - in case we have to stay some place else at night”. They decide to leave them.
All morning we are downtown, putting up balloons for the arts festival, go to the Farmer’s Market - they have never been to either - they are loud, happy, filled with energy - E and N decide to walk home from our ending place as it is just two blocks from their house - they want F to come with them - but she says - no - she thinks she should help me carry the orange juice that is left - she’ll see them later.
She comes and goes - sometimes close, sometimes not. F offers that she doesn’t think N wants to be in Girl Scouts since she isn’t always there when we go to pick her up - she is 14. F says N had a miscarriage - maybe she ‘ll go back to Chicago. Do I remember N really wanted a Girl Scout vest with badges?
I tell her I do remember. I tell her “She can come when she’s ready. She says she wants to come - we’ll keep going by her house, it’s ok if she doesn’t always show up - maybe she will some weeks. ”
F seems relieved by this answer - it doesn’t have to be all or nothing and I’m not mad.
I am so incredibly blessed.
Karen Light Edmonds (pictured with her son Jaeden) is an Early Childhood Special Education Teacher with the Rochester Public Schools.